Sick Without

I once had a map in my head
Of the places your skin had touched mine.

The front seat of your automobile
The closet
In your apartment.
The shower by my dormroom
The alcove
By the front door.

I thought holding your hand meant
I'd never be cold again.

The pressed sand of the new beach.
The restaurants
That we went to
The tumble of your sheets
The movies
That we kissed through.

I thought
Throwing my hair back,
I'd never be blind again.

I used to think
A thought was a contract
That my hopes
Were your plans

I thought
Sleeping in your bed
Made you irreplaceable.

I used to hear
What I wanted to hear.
I used to say
Whatever came to my mind.

I thought
Living in your shadow
Could somehow make me glow.

I thought
Holding you so dear
Made you the lynchpin of my life.

I can feel the pain
The pain you talked about
That I never understood
(but I told you that I could).

I can feel my brain
Twisting down my throat
Looking past the beauty
Past the love.

I feel the fear,
That I'll never sleep again.
I feel the racing, jarring,
Start and stop, the rotten tracks
Of this railway.

I didn't know
What lovesick was about,
But I loved being in love with you,
And now I'm sick without.